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Teen Mom 2 star Leah Messer will soon give fans an even deeper look inside of her personal life. The mother of twins Ali and Aleeah and 7-year-old Adalynn will expose her life’s ups and downs — including some of her darkest moments — in her upcoming memoir, Hope, Grace, & Faith. 

Messer shared an exclusive excerpt from her new book with Us Weekly that depicts a time in her life when she was contemplating suicide.

Leah Messer memoir ' Hope, Grace & Faith'
Leah Messer | Photo by Mike Coppola/WireImage

Leah Messer’s memoir 

Set to release May 5, Messer’s “unflinching and honest” memoir will give her fans an intimate portrait of her entire life including her childhood to her teen pregnancy and her personal rock bottom. 

Teen Mom 2 captured Messer’s struggle after she learned that daughter Ali had muscular dystrophy, but her memoir will recount the true difficulty Messer had dealing with her daughter’s diagnosis. According to an excerpt from her memoir, Messer wanted to know why this was happening to her daughter.

She is so sweet and innocent. She deserves to have the same future as her sisters. I want to scream at the world that it isn’t fair. I would never wish what Ali has on another child, but why her?” the reality star writes. “Why did she have to be born into a body that won’t have the strength to run along the beach, do a cartwheel, or climb a tree? I’m so sad and angry all the time I can barely eat … or sleep … or breathe. I feel like I’m suffocating. When I close my eyes at night, the voice in my head gets stuck in an endless loop.

Leah Messer, Hope, Grace, & Faith

Leah Messer contemplated suicide 

The 16 & Pregnant alum also opens up about her attempted suicide in her memoir. Considering her daughter’s health, Messer found herself wondering “Is it my fault?” Her thoughts continued to spiral, as she recalls in her memoir: “Is Ali being punished because I’m a bad person? Am I doing enough to get her the help she needs? Do I even deserve to be her mother? Maybe the girls would be better off without me.”

Messer explains her heartbreaking thought of attempting suicide by nearly driving off of a cliff. “I don’t even remember getting into my car,” her memoir reads. She continues to describe that day in great detail: 

I just know that I can barely see the road through the tears streaming down my face. I glance back over my shoulder at the three, crumb-covered car seats behind me. Except for Addie’s sippy cup, they’re empty. I do a mental check. Ali and Aleeah are with their dad. Addie is spending the night with Jeremy’s mom while he’s away working. It’s just me in the car.

I press my foot down on the gas and watch as the needle on the speedometer goes from 80…to 90…to 110 mph. It’s dark and there’s no one else on road. I’ve driven down this stretch of Mink Shoals Hill a thousand times. There’s a steep cliff off the side of the road just up ahead. It would be so easy to drive my car over the edge. Then it would all be over. No more worries. No more failure. No more pain. Instead, I slow down and pull over to the side of the road. I turn off the engine and put my head down on the steering wheel. A lifetime of tears comes pouring out of the deepest part of my soul.

My daughters need me. It would be selfish to abandon them, to leave them with the same void I’ve been trying to fill my whole life. For better or worse, I’m all they have. I need to be stronger. I need to get the hell out of here and fix myself, so I can be the mother that my daughters deserve.

Purchase Hope, Grace & Faith beginning Tuesday, May 5. 

How to get help: In the U.S., call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. Or text HOME to 741-741 to connect with a trained crisis counselor at the free Crisis Text Line.

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